Its rude title i know, but i am really in a screwed up state right now. The '
After-Effects', as stated in the last few post, it's here, happening now.
I am out of the place so called - 'home' to me,
again, eversince i last did it when i was 17. I'm 21 this year.
I am trying to think like that i know what to do, which i don't actually. All i know is, this is gonna cause more or less, some problems to the people around me, which i am trying to think how to reduced it yet making myself feeling easy. I'm trying not to make life hard for the others, but that requires both sides.
It's enough of those bullshit that - I have to think for my aunt , I have to think for my grandpa , my uncle * my father's younger brother, who helps me a lot ever since i got into college* I have to think for everyone... what about me? I have to bare all the fucks from you, so that i can 'maintain' the shape of your family? Damn! I back off most of the times not because i agree with you, of what you say, or what you do, but i have a lot to think of when having an argument with you, that's what make me sobbing sometimes, that the tears of anger and depressed, not for your damn shoutings.
Yeah, shouting is your only weapon against people when you feel that your statement doesn't stand still.
Oh ya, not to forget, your "fucks" and your fist.
I guess thats how and who young Matthew learn from isn't it? Stop blaming the others for influencing your only son there. I did not teach him how to dress, i did not teach him what musics to listen to, which and how many handphones he should use, how many pairs of shoes, what brands, what and what not to eat, how to put on accessories, and the usage of the word "FUCK". Certainly, not me. Coz i don't even socialize with your daddy-pampered-son like a normal brothers does.
My point is, you spoilt your own child yourself, don't use me as an excuse for your failed home education.
***
Whatever it is, i don't even wanna argue with you sometimes, i just take it. Why? Just because i keep quiet, doesn't mean that you are right! Don't think that you are senior and you are right in every damn things!
It's my life here, and you shall leave it for me to decide, old man! Our age isn't your age anymore, there are a lot of difference the way we think and do things now, what makes you think that i should repeat you steps back then? What the fuck?? What's in the hurry of checking out my future uni when i am still half way through my diploma? When i don't really want use your money to continue my education, so that i have to look at the bloody face of yours to live on? So that i will let you will try keeping 'everything' under your control?
What the fuck?! You have words to say since the day i got my Mac from uncle Alvin, and then wehn i get a car from him again, you TOO have words to say! For you, it's always a 'waste' when i get good stuff. I never deserve good things and rewards in my life. And you are coming after 380 sing dollar from me? For that stupid 2nd hand phone which was suppose to be a gift from aunt? What the fuck wei?? Your son is acting like a terrorist both in school and house, yet he gets all he wanted, for free? *those who know how his son acts like will understand*
Oh, you will say, its not for free, it's a reward for his flying colours result huh~
HEY~ i am not trying to compare here, what i am trying to say is... hrmm, forget about it, im sound like a sore and sour loser here.
***
I remember that you accused me for being selfish? I only think for myself? Damn!! You are the fucking egomaniac here man! You think i am the only one here not 'respecting' you?? Gooshhh... you have no idea whats going on man, you really have no idea.
Oooppsss... trying to push words into my mouth now? Trying to say that i am claiming to be the right one everytime an argument accured? You wait!
Yes! I am not right at the 1st place, i have been causing troubles since young, since i am 6 years old, since the day i came into your family, i have been acting like a brat, from primary to high school... i was just plainly a playful teenager...
But hey old man, time past, people changes, things changes... I might still have that playful and lazy gene in me, but i am different now, i am very very sure of that, i know what i am doing, i know what i need to do, i have a vision now, i have targets to achieve, though not doing very well everytime, but i am trying, i am trying to try harder and harder. I am 20 now, it's almost quarter of my life, i need to be treated as someone i should be, not a kid.
I just don't bloody understand, why when the others can change their point of view towards me over the years, you can't?
Shit, i understand why actaully? Or maybe not fully correct... we have this communication problem since very very long ago. You and i never talk. It's really rare that we can have a normal conversation like the other father and son.
Nope, i am adopted. But is that the problem?
Yeah, i think partly it is.
I respect you, Mr Chin, i want to respect you, as my father, but did you give me a chance?
You have things to say in almost everything and every dicisions i made.
Anywy, after this, i don't hope for anyore chances, i dare not, and i dont think i want to. I just hope that you won't make aunt's and my grandpa's life harder.
***
Hello, old man, tonight's is not about the fucking car, *which you drove it even when you are against it* but i am asking for my rights. My rights to be treated like what i should be. Don't bloody use the word - 'law' and 'legal' to get over it, i am below 21, doesn't mean i have to lick your feet. You are my 'legal parent, doesn't mean i have to follow your steps and ways of doing things.
So what if i am heading to the wrong path? So what if i am taking a wrong step? So what if I WANT TO RESIST myself from moving forward, so early?
Don't bloody use the idea of my dead and divorced 'true' parents to break my mind down...
The starting of this wasn't s not a big problem i suppose, but i don't know how the hell it got so serious. Serious or not also i am not sure of. Maybe i already expected that this day will come, i am ready for it, or maybe not.
Sleeping & waking up late? Hello, who dont now a days lah? Especially TOA students..
Hanging out late? Hello, did i do it EVERYDAY? And even if i come home late, does that mean i went out for fun?
Even if i don't have a car, does that mean you will keep me staying at home 24/7?
Does that mean i wont have way to go out to do my stuff? Have fun? Meet friends?
***
Look, my mind is like broken into half, and they are like talking to each other.
I have a lots ot say, to speak out. Words and sentences are popping out from my mind like frsh popcorns, but i think thats it for today.
I am fine and right at my friends place now, will be here 1 or 2 days.
Lets hope things will be better tommorow. I love you gurls and guys!
